Arranging a funeral

So, the day after registering that Martin had died, I had an appointment at the funeral directors to arrange his funeral.  Again, I was not one hundred percent what his wishes were, I had joked about being cremated and thrown into the Irish sea from the Welsh coast with being half Irish, half Welsh, even though I was born and brought up in England.  We made jokes, not plans so it gets tricky with trying to follow what a loved one would want. I made the decision to ask the kids what their thoughts were, and it was decided that everyone wanted to go somewhere to visit him and know he was there, so we decided on a burial.  

Those wishes were expressed to the funeral director, and then I had to decide on a coffin.  I wanted to choose the nicest one, he deserved the best after all, but as it was pointed out, it will not be seen apart from at the funeral and then it would be covered in family floral tributes.  So, I went with advice from the knowledgeable Ray and with a package advised and a very 'nice' simple oak coffin.  I had to choose service cards and choose a picture to use for them, and how many to have printed.  I knew a lot of people would turn up to Martin’s funeral, I don’t know if he knew it but he was so well respected by everyone he knew, as I said before he knew a lot of people and genuinely took interest in them.  I ordered a set amount, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough.  A photo from our last holiday was chosen for the cover as I knew he was genuinely happy and content, it was in Lanzarote just 2 months before he had the Stroke, not a care in the world unknowing how life was to be taken and changed forever.

Martin’s funeral was delayed slightly because we wanted a certain priest to perform the service because he knew Martin, it was to be held at the parish where he worked as the school’s maintenance officer and where all our kids had been baptised, had their first Holy communions and went to school, but the parish priest was away visiting family in India.  He sent massage from India that he would like to do the funeral, so the first date suggested was October 31^st  a couple of days after his return.  While Martin might have found that quite funny, me and the kids did not want his funeral on Halloween.  So the date was set for November 1^st 2019 at 12pm.  

Next, I had to sort the clothes he would be buried in, simple shirt and trousers were chosen, a smart/casual outfit he would have worn at a function. I had them washed and ironed and waited a couple of days to get the call that he was at the funeral directors having been collected from the hospital.  Once I had confirmation he was there, I dropped off his clothes and waited to be called to let me know that we could see him at the chapel of rest.  I received this call late one afternoon, I asked the kids if they would like to see him and they chose not to, except Taran.  He really wanted to see him and didn’t seem phased by it at all.  In fact, when we got there he was very much the inquisitor he had been in ICU a few days before.  He was amazingly comfortable seeing him, he said he looked asleep and peaceful and was happy he went.  I went that one time, and that was enough for me.  He did not look like Martin, he did not look that way when he was asleep, he was not that pale in skin tone, ever in his life.  He looked at peace, but he was gone, to me it was his empty shell.  It is not like this for everyone I know that, I know people have gone back several times to visit their loved ones at the chapel of rest, one of his colleagues told me that for them their partner looked as they had been before a long illness, so this experience is different for everyone.  I checked on the older 3 kids everyday if they wanted to see their dad, their final decision was to remember him as he was.

My next challenge was to choose hymns, readings and prayers for the service, and the most daunting thing of all, a Eulogy.  I had help from the head of the school Martin worked at, and from a representative of the priest, who also worked at the school and knew Martin for many years (I’m trying to avoid naming names just in case, but I’m sure many know who I mean), they helped with choosing hymns and readings because as I told them 'I am a rubbish Catholic' and didn't know the best ones to choose.  I researched some relevant bidding prayers myself, and the kids agreed to read one each.  I reached out and asked for offers to read any prayers or readings, my dad agreed to do a reading, as did a retired school staff member and the head agreed to read a Eulogy on behalf of the school.  I was asked at the funeral directors if I had anyone in mind to be coffin bearers, it was not a worry though as the staff on the day would carry him if needed.  I did not think it would be.  

We were also asked to choose an entry and exit song, this was hard to do as well.  As already mentioned Martin's music taste was very broad.  Kiera pointed out that he loved Prince and had enjoyed her school's summer performance, particularly 'Purple Rain', so this was decided as his entry song.  His exit song was harder, it was mentioned to me that it could be a song that I liked.  I went through so many.  One afternoon while driving my car 'Memories' came on the radio and the words to me were perfect, I asked the kids what they thought, they agreed the song was right but they did not like Maroon 5 who sang it.  So Kiera found an acoustic cover version of it that we downloaded and put onto a disc with 'Purple Rain'.

Purple Rain

Memories

While sorting the church side of things, I also had to find somewhere available for after the funeral for family and friends to have something to eat and drink, this proved not to be easy with it being the school half term holiday and between Halloween and Bonfire night, everywhere seemed to be booked up.  I finally had a response from my nearest pub restaurant which was newly built and we had not even got around to having a meal or drink there yet despite saying we would, but they thankfully had availability and turned out to be an excellent choice (The Queen of Hearts).  I went for a visit to book the venue and the food.  Now for flowers, I went to a local florist recommended by the funeral directors, and they were lovely, understanding and had a good idea of what I wanted.   I spent longer in there due to the owner also knowing Martin from working at Halton Haven. Told you I couldn’t go anywhere without someone knowing him!😜

That was that, several days of organising, phone calls, visits and now a Eulogy to write, this would be so difficult for me, not only writing it because how on earth do write about a persons life to be read in a few minutes?  But reading it in public which was a huge fear, and I could not take in everything and grieve until I had written and read what I had decided to write, it was a huge weight hanging over me, but I knew I had to say something, I concentrated on how we met and the husband and dad that he was to us.  Also had to sort what me and the kids were going to wear, this would be their first ever funeral.  Taran had a lovely suit he had worn for his First Holy Communion in the summer so he was sorted, the older lads did not want to wear a suit but both chose to wear black shirt and trousers, Kiera chose a simple jumper and skirt and I chose a new dress that I saw in a shop window that stood out to me.  I was asked if there would be a dress code, but I just wanted everyone to wear what they would be comfortable in without pressure to find either black, or some bright or football themed colour.  

I posted Martin’s funeral date over social media, the funeral directors put a notice in the local paper, but who reads a paper these days, and how else do you ‘invite’ people to a funeral?  I posted the funeral details to every person and their dog I think, because now I was worried nobody would come even though I knew deep down they would.  And they did.  

I couldn’t quite take in who was there at the church on the day of the funeral, I know there was standing room only, I only wish I had taken in each individual person who was there, because even afterwards I did not get to see everyone and not everyone came back for drinks etc.  The day went in a bit of a blur really, I felt physically sick and nervous the whole morning, and during the service.  The kids did their dad proud, Jamie and Ethan were coffin bearers along with my dad, Martin's brother, nephew and my sister's husband, then all 4 of them read their bidding prayers, which I know they were also nervous about.  I read my Eulogy, I was thankful for the long dress I bought as my legs were shaking throughout speaking, I know I had a wobble of the voice a couple of times when talking of his transplant recipients and an Iron Man reference at the end which Taran asked me to say, 'We love you 3000' due to being Marvel fans and the fact that the last film we saw a family at the cinema was Endgame.  I was so nervous though I had forgot to bow at the Altar when I got up and when I went back to my seat, slap on the wrist for me.  I walked back to my seat to a round of applause, which was unexpected and emotional. 

Afterwards at the Queen of Hearts I never bought a single drink yet there was always one at my table/in my hand.  I remember most of those who came to talk to me, his relatives, people from his year at school, from the Haven and from the school he worked at, my friends, my colleagues who didn’t know Martin only from me talking about him (possibly moaning 😖), old school friends of mine, as well my family, close and distant.  But there were people there who I only found out about afterwards.  But I thank you all for being there for him and for us.  I appreciated everyone being there, the stories from when he was younger too, I did have a laugh at some of them it was nice to hear the things people remembered about him and made what I thought would be a very dark day much more bearable.

Now that day was over, I was facing the unkown, I had been driven for the last few weeks with adrenaline and now there was nothing to do but face up to a future without my husband, my best friend, and my kids without their dad.  Once this had hit me, the waves of grief would suddenly consume me out of the blue in the days that followed.  I was due to go back to work the Monday following Martin's funeral but with the lack of sleep and now the grief hitting I postponed my return until after Christmas.