October 13th - 15th 2019

October 13^th 2019

Over night it was clear Martins body was struggling to hang on, he wasn’t absorbing any of his feed, he was on insulin, his temperature was getting hard to control.  The transplant team stepped in a lot today, had to answer lots of questions, and decide what could be used and what could not. Again, this had to be me deciding as we had never discussed it seriously, but the one thing I told them they had to leave him was his eyes, I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else having his eyes, eyes that you look into the soul with, might sound weird but that was my thought process. Some questions I did not expect such as did he visit prostitutes, take drugs etc.  I know they must be asked but I did not expect the prostitute question. Thankfully, he didn’t have time for such things!😄

While I was being questioned by the transplant nurse in a closed room, there was a commotion outside, and a knock on the door, we were asked if anyone had collapsed in here, obviously not, so they ran to the family room where my mum was doing chest compressions on a man who had collapsed, he came around and we found out later it was a heart attack.  So, my mum was in a bit of shock due to that now, despite being a retired nurse.

It had been decided that preparations for the transplant team were to carry on overnight with a team to operate arriving tomorrow from London, so tomorrow was the day we knew we were going to say goodbye, we didn’t know what time, it would depend on when this team arrived and when they had recipients for his organs lined up as some would be used straight away.

Overnight the team confirmed all of his organs were healthy at the moment and could be used for transplant, there was no guarantee though as they were going off scans and blood tests, they would know more once he was being operated on but his organs appeared healthy.  Which begged the question, why was he going through this, how could this happen to someone who was physically well and healthy?

They did Martin’s handprints for us and took some locks of his hair that we could also keep.  Myself and Jamie again stayed with him until the early hours before going back to the accommodation to try and get some sleep as tomorrow was going to be just awful.

October 14^th 2019

A day of spending as much time as possible with Martin today, we were told the ventilator would be turned off late afternoon depending on the traffic for the team travelling from London.  Martin had been visited by the hospital priest to give his blessings and he came back this morning to give him his last rites.  Family arrived to spend time with him, I would now have to be completely honest with Taran and tell him what was going to happen. 

We sat in a room together, and I based the conversation on what he told me the other day about not being able to live without the ventilator and that could not be possible. He understood, but I think he hoped he was wrong.  He double checked, ‘is he actually going to die?’.  Broke my heart to tell him, he sobbed.  Gave him a huge cuddle before asking him if he wanted to be there today, and if he wanted to stay while the ventilator was being turned off.  He wanted to, he could change his mind at any point, but he chose to stay till the end.

It was discussed that when his ventilator was turned off he had to pass away within a certain time, I can’t remember if it was an hour?  Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to use his organs.  They also had to take him to theatre 5 minutes after his heart had stopped. There was no way of knowing how long it would take for his heart to stop and up till now he had been taking some involuntary breaths himself, which is why he was still on the ventilator up until now.

It was around 5.30pm ish that they were ready to remove the ventilator.  Once it was done, family stayed with him and we played Prince for him.  There was myself and our 4 kids, his brother and sister in law, my parents and my sister and brother in law.  I could see when he had stopped breathing, I could see his colour change, I was quite shocked at how quickly it was. I held his right arm as that was the side I had been sat throughout, Taran on my lap.  I could feel his skin change, that quickly.  I looked at his face and watched a single tear roll from his right eye down his cheek, I knew he had gone. I wondered if the tear was because he was sad to leave us, was it because he was happy he could see his dad maybe?  More likely a physiological reason, but it broke me.  The nurse came in at that moment and confirmed his heart had stopped and we had 5 minutes to stay before they had to take him.  We said our emotional goodbyes and left the room.  We sat in a private room, which I think we had taken over since Martin had been admitted, the nurse brought us a trolly of tea and toast and we stayed for a while.  Don’t think I spoke; I think I was still in shock.

The nurse came to me with a bereavement pack, I was offered to spend time with Martin after he came back from theatre. I asked about how he would look and decided against it.  I was to come back the next day to collect his medical certificate which was needed to register his death.  I was also to receive a phone call from the transplant nurse to let me know how it was going in theatre.  I decided to stay in the accommodation for one more night, alone, so that I could start doing the necessary things the next morning.

I received a call around 11pm that night, the transplant nurse confirmed that all had gone as it should, they couldn’t use his lungs as an infection had started due to being on the ventilator, there was some sort of complication and they couldn’t use his whole heart but they could use the heart valves.  They took everything else that they had permission for successfully.  I was asked again if I wanted to see him, I said no. 

October 15^th 2019

I called the registry office first thing, I had to register his death at St Georges Hall as he died in Liverpool, they made an appointment for me for that afternoon.  I then called the funeral directors and made an appointment for the following day. I packed up my things and left the accommodation, I went to ICU to collect Martin’s medical certificate and thank the team there.  I went to my car; my tyre was flat.  I hadn’t checked on it since staying there!  I joked to myself that Martin didn't want me to leave him behind.  I pumped the tyre up and decided to drive it to our local train station rather than drive into Liverpool city centre in case it went flat again and get on the train to Liverpool. St Georges Hall is right outside the train station so made sense to me.  I stopped at McDonalds first and ate for what seemed like the first time in over a week.   Then onto the train station.  I was told off for not asking for a lift into Liverpool, to have someone with me, but I needed the quiet, to be alone, I knew there were busy, emotionally tough days ahead and just wanted this peace.  

I did what I needed to do at the registry office.  I read online that it was recommended to have 5 copies of a death certificate, they have to be paid for, I was advised one was enough.  I got 2, one to keep and one to be the one to send off to wherever needed to see an original copy.  I have since found that most places are happy to see a photo taken on a phone in an email, or a photocopy. The only place that wanted an original copy sent off was with a bereavement allowance application. 

So that was one job done, I came home.  Well, I went to my parents to have dinner and to pick up the kids and finally home.  From this day for a while I think I was numb; I was now on autopilot to start making arrangements for a funeral I didn’t want or expect.